i'm in the final half. how did that happen? the first 20 weeks went by slow and fast all at the same time. lots and lots of appointments, needles, ultrasounds, progesterone suppositories, vomitting, sleeping, not sleeping, dreaming crazy dreams, growing, not enough pooping (thanks to the constipation gods), worrying, worrying some more, runny noses, big belly, and then one final confirmation that, so far, everything looks great.
the day i turned 20 weeks pregnant was the day the dr confirmed to me with those 3 words - "everything looks great", that i'm just like every other fertile pregnant woman at 20 weeks. i'm not there yet. i'm feeling good, great actually. but i still can't let myself get too cocky. i still catch myself referring to "if" the baby comes in may instead of "when". those old battle scars are there, and the worry never goes away. i can't read stories about women losing babies anywhere from 20 weeks on. it upsets me too much and scares the hell out of me all at the same time. i can't look at stats anymore. numbers and odds are not something that interest me. they scare the fuck out of me. my husband wants to wrap me in bubble wrap for the next 19 weeks. he's afraid of me wiping out again. i want the bubble wrap to insulate me from anything bad happening.
i'm so grateful and thankful to be here... i can't even really put it into words. there are none that would come close to doing justice. i am also grateful to each and every one of you. you carried me through the hardest time of my life. you've done for me what my husband, family and friends could not. you've made a world of difference in my life and i truly hope someday that i can meet some of you face to face to express my gratitude in person.
my Christmas wish is that all of you, still deep in the trenches, achieve your goals, whatever they may be. i understand that you may not read this anymore, but i follow you... religiously and i'm hoping and wishing that 2011 brings you the family you so desire.
and with that, i'm signing off for 2010. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!