Woo Hooooo!

went in for the HSG this morning and specifically asked the dr (we'll call him dr gentle) to look for a polyp on my cervix or in my uterus and he found NOTHING!    in fact, i didn't even feel the saline rushing through my tubes (which are all clear) or any of the uncomfortable-ness i felt last time around.   yahoooooo!    dr gentle  also confirmed that my arcuate uterus is so mild that he doesn't believe this could be the cause for my previous 3 miscarriages nor could it be the reason my iui's didn't work.   so i'm chalking it all up to bad luck. 

that's a lot of bad luck... but hopefully that means ivf will occur in august and *good* luck will be on our side this time around.  we go in to see dr love/hate on june 8 to discuss these results and from there, we'll make our official plan for ivf.

bring it the fuck on.

Welcome ICLW!

welcome ICLW'ers!

i have been a super slacker with the ICLW lately... but i'm back!   if you want to know about our IF journey, then take a look to your left and you'll see it all there.   currently, we're on a ttc break which, i have to admit, feels really strange.   so much of our lives over the last 18 months have been all about making a baby and i'm not really sure how to be "on a break".   i have to say.... its sort of strange to be getting in on with hubs just because we feel like it or the mood strikes us.    bow chica bow BOW!

i am waiting on an HSG test to determine whether i've got a uterine polyp before we can figure out what our next move is.  if i've got a polyp, then i'm headed for surgery but if not, we're headed toward ivf (hopefully) in late summer/early fall.   until then, we're trying to get my body as ready as possible for ivf and that includes losing some of the poundage i gained over the last couple of years and taking all kinds of potions, pills and oils to get me as ready as i can be.  

for now, we'll continue to live like rock stars except that we'll be eating healthy and working out a lot (i'm down 5.2lbs so far!!).   and we'll be trying to enjoy our break.   some days, it feels great but other days i feel a panic in me that is uncontrollable.... i feel like we're missing opportunities because of my age, etc.

well, thats enough about me, tell me something about you!

progress

i can't believe it, but i made it through an entire weekend filled with parties and get togethers littered with booze and delicious food and cake everywhere ... and i didn't gain any weight!

in fact, since i really focused on weight loss and healthier living, i've lost a grand total of 3.8 lbs.   that said, i'm desperate for a chocolate bar and would probably rip your arm off if you waved a bag of chips in front of me.

but all in all, not bad.... i'll take it.

more waiting

i think one of the things about infertility (lately) that bothers me is all the fucking waiting!  arg!  we show up for a 9am appt this morning and wait over an hour to see the dr.   thankfully, he spent a fair bit of time with us so it was worth the wait but still!   a breakdown of what we've got going on right now:

• genetics testing has come back and its all fine - no translocations found
• blood work for blood clotting disorders and about a bajillion other conditions, including lupus, all clear
• dr love/hate thinks that, based on 4 iui cycles, i'm an "ok" to "poor" responder to the injectible meds which means he'll be more than doubling my doses for ivf.   that ought to be fun.  cue the crazies.
• my fsh levels (cycle 4: 8.0, cycle 3: 5.6, cycle 2: 6.9) are rising but they're not alarming...yet
• he wants to re-test fsh on day 3 of my next cycle.  realized that we'll be in nyc so it'll have to wait until the next next cycle
• hubs sperm counts, morphology and motility are all just fine. we don't need to worry about this
• he's concerned about the polyp so i have to go back for another dye test at the end of may and, if its there, i'll need surgery. if i need surgery - he'll do what he can to get me in as soon as possible but hospitals are backed up, etc. etc. so it could mean waiting until august/september for that.   the good news is if i do have to have it, the recovery time isn't bad and we'd be in business the cycle after surgery
• ivf with icsi is the next step but we have to wait to get the results of the dye test to see if i need surgery first
• we can't try on our own this month because of the timing of the dye test so we truly are on a month break 
• he's sending me to another recurrent pregnancy loss specialist to see if there are any further tests they can do to figure out what's gone wrong in the past.  he mentioned amh testing - anyone heard of this?
• he wants me to lose weight - 10lbs minimum - says this is the most important thing i can do to ready my body for ivf.   bring.it.the.fuck.on.
• he's happy i'm doing acupuncture and wants me to continue
• no more baby aspirin but i'm to keep up with prenatal vitamins, folic acid, etc.

i didn't tell him about the royal jelly, chinese herbs, fish oil, wheat grass, etc. etc. because he's a scientific guy - doesn't buy into any of that stuff.  i do, so i'm keeping up with it.   so the short version is, no ivf plans until we get the polyp dealt with BUT, ivf is our next goal.   PLEASE let there be no polyp there when i have the dye test.... it'll take forever to get in for the damn surgery...  i am going to talk to the dr who's doing the test to see if, during that procedure, he can just zap it out if its there at all.   let's hope....

in the meantime, we've changed our diet at home and i'm back to working out at the gym.  i'm only down 1 lb since last thursday but hey, a lb is a lb!   i'll keep a journal here to keep myself accountable on the weight loss front.   you guys can feel free to bust my balls if i'm reverting back to my "lazy, feel sorry for myself because of stupid infertility" ways.

time for the wtf appointment

my shit seems to be back in order.  sort of. 

thanks for all your supportive comments to my last post.   man, what a day that was.   the water works didn't end at my posting - they lasted well into the evening.   but somehow, i managed to pull myself together and get through the weekend and actually had a little bit of fun while i was at it.   i'm sure that diving head first into a bottom-less glass of wine had nothing to do with it.   ahem.

we have our first ever WTF appointment with dr love/hate tomorrow morning.   i will be arriving at said appointment with notebook and pen in hand and will not be leaving until i have answers to all of my questions.   i'm terrified that the polyp that was discovered during my monitoring last cycle will be the reason my timeline for ivf in august doesn't work.   dr google tells me that uterine polyps are removed by D&C.  that would really fuck with my plan and i don't want my plan fucked with.  

i have been taking a shitload of supplements and oils every morning for about a week now and am seeing some of the non fertility related, yet still very positive, effects already.   the only thing that i am anxious to start but havent yet is the royal jelly/bee pollen.   i looked in every health food joint in toronto and surrounding areas for royal jelly WITH bee pollen in honey and couldn't find it anywhere.   i've ordered it online from the states and sucked up the ridiculous shipping costs and am waiting for its arrival.   we're going to be in nyc for 5 days at the beginning of june, i'll load up on it to bring home with me.

i'll update again tomorrow to let you all know how we made out with dr love/hate.  let's hope i'll have some good news (ie - no ivf timeline fuckage) and can look forward to a few months off this summer before really getting this party started.

the day Lisa lost her shit

**warning ... may be TMI for some**

man, its been a bad day in Lisa Land.   i'm an emotional wreck.... let me break it down for you in point form:

• AF is here and she's raging.   So much so that at about noon today, i realized that i had bled right through my pants.   its not enough that AF represents another failed IUI, the bitch also has to make me walk uncomfortably all over the damn city looking for a pair of pants that fit me.  this made me bawl. 
• hubs and i are planning a trip to NYC to celebrate our anniversary.  flights booked, hotel booked, broadway tickets booked.  all non-refundable.  just realized AF is due the day we leave and will be joining us the entire 5 days we're gone.   yep.... bawled again. 
• emails from my mom.   i was told once again (about the last IUI) "if its meant to be, it will be" and she ended this particular pep talk with "at least you have your husband".   These statements piss me off.  yes, i love my husband and am very happily married to him but this doesn't make the heartache of what we're going through any easier.   the two are entirely unrelated.  without him, i wouldn't be doing this.   i wish I had a different relationship with her but I don't. she always says all the wrong things.
• emails from my sister in law - she's saying all the wrong things today as well.  she suggested that because we're "taking the summer off", we'll probably get pregnant because we're not trying so hard. while that could happen, it probably won't.   and i'm just kind of tired of people saying it to me. 

tonight we're having drinks with hubs friend and his pregnant wife.   tomorrow, i'm having 2 girlfriends over for dinner.  it was supposed to be 3 but the 3rd cancelled because of mothers day festivities that she planned (notwithstanding this dinner has been planned for months).  she told me this is why she's cancelling.  she also knows whats going on.  if you have to cancel, just cancel.  don't tell me why.  of the other 2, one has a newborn at home and the other has a 3yr old and a 10 month old.  i don't know how to "be" around them anymore.  its so hard.

i'm not sure anyone could say the right thing to me today.   the waterworks have begun again.   maybe i'll go and crawl into bed and throw the covers over my head until this wave of emotion moves on.

dr. feelgood

i'm just back from my acupuncture appointment with dr feelgood.   normally, she puts the needles in and leaves me to wander off into *i feel like i just smoked a big fatty* land but today was a "working" acupuncture appointment.   i love this woman.   she will have me ready for ivf if its the last thing she does!    we talked about a number of things:

• she explained the entire process to me which, for an ivf virgin, is comforting.
• she's also talked to me about what i can do between now and then to get my body ready (ie diet, exercise, etc.)  she wants me to complete a diet diary over the next week and will analyze it and tell me what's good, what to change, etc.
• i discussed my somewhat irrational fears with her (what if after all this, my eggs are shit, my fear of the egg retrieval being a painful experience, etc.) and she has put my mind at ease for the most part.
• she has changed my pre-natal vitamin - she wants me to take Preg.na Lite instead of Mater.na. 
• i will also be taking a chinese herb called Tan.g Ku.ei & Peo.ny.  I am currently on Nouri.sh Essense and will finish my supply of that with a mix of the other and when i'm done, i'll continue with the new stuff.
• i will be taking 2tbs of Nutras.ea per day - its a fish oil
• she doesn't believe hubs needs any help with his sperm counts but suggested we speak to the dr about Fer.tile Aid if we'd like to.  i felt his counts through all 3 iui's were low (post wash:  20mm, 32mm and 20mm) but both dr feelgood and dr love/hate (obgyn) have told me that these counts are well within the normal range.

so, i'll be doing and taking everything she suggested over the next 2 months.   the only addition to this that i'm considering is royal jelly/bee pollin mixture for both hubs and i.   i've been reading lots about it and it seems to work like a charm for some but not others.   does anyone have any experience with this?  any success stories you'd like to share?

we're scheduled to see dr love/hate next wednesday morning.  i'll show up armed with all of my questions so i don't get overwhelmed.   this is the *hate* part of our love/hate relationship ... he always blows through everything so fast that its hard to get a straight answer from him.  hopefully that won't be the case next week.

in the meantime, i weighed myself yesterday and plan to do so every wednesday from here on out.  i threw my lazy ass on the treadmill at home last night as well and will be doing so again tonight.  my goal is to lose 15-20 lbs over the next 10 weeks.  its aggresive but i dont care!    i'll reporting in here on my weight loss so as to keep myself accountable.   feel free to bust my chops if you don't see an update from me on this every thursday.

i really hate that we're here and that we have to do this.... but dammit, if i have to do it, then i'm going to throw my entire self into it.   no regrets, right?

wandering thoughts

my blood test to confirm the final failed IUI is tomorrow morning.     i peed on a stick again just now (12dpo) and the whiteness where there should be a line is blinding.   i'm a mess.

i started the "pee project" on friday morning because it was 11 days after my trigger shot.   i googled it all over the place and everywhere i looked, it said that the trigger lasts a max of 10 days in your body.   on friday, i had a faint positive but i was suspect from the get-go since this would only be 9dpo.   once again, i am the anomaly here.  thats right girls, my body gets a hold of that trigger shot and hangs on longer than all the averages and won't let go.  somewhat ironic since this is the same body that was, many moons ago, letting go of one pregnancy after another.

i didn't tell my husband that i was peeing on sticks all weekend long because he'd be upset with me.   so all day yesterday, our first wedding anniversary, i had to pretend that i wasn't devastated and it was so fucking hard.   i am so thrilled to be married to this man.   i feel more than lucky to have found him - and at 35 to boot.  i had all but given up and was starting to wrap my mind around life without a partner.  i was moving out of the burbs and into the city (literally listing my house for sale THE DAY we got together and looking at lofts and condos to buy in the city THE MORNING after).   needless to say, my house never made its way onto the market and those lofts i was looking at?  i was so disinterested in them... i just knew he was the one so there was no point.  i told my boss the monday morning that i'd met the man i as going to marry, just 2 days after meeting him.   and marry him, i did.   1 year ago yesterday.  and I spent the day pretending to be happy.   how fucking sad is that?

thankfully, we had a wonderful dinner out on saturday night when i still had a glimmer of hope (because of faint positive pee stick on friday morning).

so now, i wait for the confirmation, and then i move on.  again.  (well, i think i'll drown my sorrows with at least one night of wreckless wine guzzling, but THEN i'll move on.   again)   i have 3 clinic free cycles before we're back in the game.   over the summer, i'm going to focus on weight loss to see if i can shed some of the emotional and fertility drug induced 30 lbs i'm carrying.   we'll meet with our dr and figure out where the fuck we go from here - get all of our shit sorted out so we're ready in august. 

dear friends... if there is ANYTHING you can think of that i should be doing to make this body of mine more fertile, please let me know.   i'd also like to know what hubs can do to get his sperm counts up ... they're ok but we'd like it if he could reach rockstar status.

any ideas?

ivf, here we come.

i did it.  again.
i peed on a fucking stick.  then another.  then another.

i allowed hope to creep in and now i'm crushed.   again.

its our anniversary today.  i hoped to wrap up a positive pregancy test for my husband.  what an amazing gift that would be. 

looks like i'm wrapping up an ivf plan instead.

stupid infertility.